


What Might Have Been

by angieDau



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Abusive Henry Allen, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Blood and Injury, Canonical Character Death, Hurt Barry Allen, My First Work in This Fandom, Nightmares, Non-Canonical Character Death, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-10-18 19:12:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17586710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angieDau/pseuds/angieDau
Summary: Barry Allen has a very different childhood than expected. In an alternate universe with no powers, how will Barry's life turn out differently?





	1. The Beginning

Chapter 1

Barry Allen grew up as the son of Henry and Nora Allen. Henry was not a nice guy. He was a doctor and took the stresses of his job out on his family. He used to beat up Nora and Barry when he got a little older. One night on his way back home, he stopped at a local bar and got very drunk. So drunk that he left his car there and took a cab home instead. It was about 10pm.  
He barged into the house and Nora was in the kitchen. She came out and tried to tell him to be quiet because Barry was asleep upstairs. She knew immediately that she should not have even said anything to him because the look on his face was just enraged. “I should be quiet!!,” he roared. “This is my house! I can be as loud as I want! Barry!!,” he shouted, “Come on down!!”  
Barry had woken up when the door slammed into the wall as Henry came home. He had been hiding just out of sight at the top of the stairs. He slowly started down the stairs. “Come on, boy! I don’t have all night!” He met Barry halfway up the stairs and pulled him the rest of the way down, hurting Barry’s wrist. Nora stepped forward, “Just let him go! He didn’t do anything! It’s me you’re mad at. Leave him out of this!,” she pleaded. Henry pushed Barry onto the floor behind him and then slapped Nora across the face. By this point, Barry was crying. 

Henry grabbed Nora’s arm really hard and pulled her close to him so his face was directly in her face and screamed at her, “Oh really?! He didn’t do anything?!! He was born for one thing! Do you know how much easier my life would be if the brat had never been born?! I never wanted a kid! He screws up everything and the world would be better off if he’d never been in it! Why did you have to get pregnant in the first place! Is he even mine?? You cheated on me, didn’t you?!” He was furious now. In his drunken mind he was escalating and it didn’t even make any sense what he was saying. Barry was crying even more now by all the cruel things his dad was saying.

Henry turned around when he heard Barry and proceeded to start kicking him. He still had his shoes on and he was kicking Barry in the chest and stomach. Barry heard a crack or two and cried out in pain. “Shut up, you whiny brat!! I’ve had patients younger than you take pain better than that!! Wimp!” Nora couldn’t stand it any longer. She pulled out of the grasp he had and ran to the kitchen while Henry picked Barry up by the arm and threw him down again. This time his head smacked the floor really hard and everything got really fuzzy and hard to concentrate on. Meanwhile, Nora ran to the kitchen and grabbed a chef’s knife. It was the closest thing she had to stop Henry with. She thought if he saw that she had a knife, he would stop what he was doing. If she could just convince him to go upstairs and lay down then he could sleep it off. He wasn’t a great guy sober either, but drunk, he was a raving maniac.

After Henry picked up Barry and threw him another couple of times, he turned around to see where Nora had gone. He half expected to see her on the phone with the cops. He did not expect her to be standing there holding a very big and sharp knife. He was a bit surprised for a second. “Stop hurting Barry! Go upstairs to bed! You’re drunk and need to sleep. I’ll come up in a bit after I get Barry settled,” she said in a shaky voice. Henry stared at her for a second, surprise and shock flitting across his face. Then it was replaced with rage. “You think you can come in here and tell me what to do in my own home!! Put away the damn knife Nora, or I’ll call the cops and say you are assaulting me!!” Instead of putting down the knife, Nora tried to cut him with it. It sliced into his forearm and blood started pouring out. He got even more enraged. 

He grabbed her hand that was holding the knife and made her drop it. Then he punched her in the face, breaking her nose. Blood started pouring out of her nose. Barry opened his eyes when his mother screamed and sat up. He was still really dizzy but he tried to get up anyway to help his mom. He grabbed Henry’s arm that was bleeding and tried to pull him away from Nora. Henry turned towards Barry and punched him in the chest. There were more cracking sounds and Barry collapsed onto the floor. He could hardly breathe. “Stay out of this! It’s between me and your mother!!” Then he picked up the knife and grabbed Nora’s arm. She was crying and trying to pull away from him to get to the phone to call 911 which she knew she should have done first. She thought she could handle it herself and now she realized she may have just gotten her and Barry killed. “I love you, Barry!!,” she cried out. 

Barry looked up from the floor just in time to see Henry stab her in the heart. There was blood everywhere. Barry tried to stand. “No!! Dad!! What did you do!!!!,” He ran at Henry and started trying to throw punches at him. They were weak and had little force behind them. Barry was quite injured already at this point. Henry looked at the knife and looked at Nora and realized he had killed her. He couldn’t believe it. That’s when he became aware of Barry. He blindly swiped the knife at him to get him to stop. Barry cried out as the knife gave him a deep cut on his shoulder to his collar bone. Barry fell to the floor holding the cut and crying. He looked up at Henry with a look of complete betrayal. Henry turned around and saw the way Barry was looking at him. He was filled with such sudden shame and remorse that he turned the knife on himself, still making direct eye contact with Barry and stabbed himself through the heart. Barry watched his eyes go lifeless. So much blood, so much pain, and Barry passed out.


	2. Joe's Point of View

Chapter 2 - Joe’s Point of View

Joe West was raising his daughter, Iris, alone. Her mother had died of a drug overdose when Iris was four. Joe knew of the Allen’s because their son Barry was friends with Iris. They were both eleven. Iris had talked to him a little about Barry, and Joe himself had concerns, but couldn’t do anything without proof, or without Barry saying anything. Barry had been coming over for a couple of years now, doing homework or watching movies. Over the past few months he had started coming over a lot more. Almost everyday after school. He would eat dinner there most nights. Sometimes he would even be there on the weekend. Joe had noticed that Barry seemed to be quieter and more subdued lately. He wasn’t babbling about science or going off on tangents. He seemed withdrawn. Joe had also noticed some random bruises on him that didn’t make sense, but Barry would get defensive and say that he fell off his bike or a kid pushed him at recess.  
He was working overnights with his partner when they got a call from dispatch. They were requested to come to a residence for a well check by a neighbor who heard yelling and shouting from next door that had suddenly stopped and the neighbor didn’t even see any movement through the windows of the house. When Joe heard the address, he got a sinking feeling in his stomach. It was the Allen’s house.  
Barry had come over after school that day and had seemed upset. He was quieter than usual and had not wanted to go home. He had actually asked if he could spend the night, but Joe had said no. It was a school night, not to mention that he wasn’t going to be at home and he did not want a boy spending the night with his daughter in the house alone. Barry had understood and slumped his shoulders. It was a Wednesday night, but Joe had the weekend off and told Barry that he would talk to Nora and see if a Saturday night sleepover could work. They talked about a movie marathon. Barry had brightened up at the news and had a smile on his face when he walked out the door. They lived two streets and five blocks away. As soon as Barry went out the door, the smile slipped off his face.  
Joe was worried. He had a real bad feeling about this call. Turns out he was right to be worried. They knocked on the door. “Police! Open up! We got a call from the neighbor about fighting! Let us in or we’ll have to break the door down!” There was no answer or noise from the other side at all. Joe shined his flashlight at the driveway and only Nora’s car was there. He wondered where Henry was. Maybe he wasn’t home. But it was a school night, so Barry would have to be upstairs sleeping. He had only been inside the Allen’s home three times so he didn’t really know the layout all that well. Maybe Henry and Nora had gone out and left Barry asleep upstairs. But that didn’t explain the yelling. Joe banged on the door again, “Police! Open up! Last chance!” Still nothing so Joe and his partner kicked the door in. They were really not expecting what they found.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The first thing Joe noticed was three bodies on the floor surrounded by blood. So much blood. Joe and his partner just stood there for a second. Then cop mode kicked in and he approached the bodies to check for any signs of life. He saw Barry’s body but couldn’t make himself check it just yet. His partner had turned around and ran into the kitchen. He was currently puking into the sink. Joe checked Nora first. Stab wound to the heart. Defensive wounds on her hands. Bruising on her arms and face, and a broken nose. Definitely dead. Then he approached Henry. The only wound he had was a stab wound to the chest. He was holding the knife in his hand and he was also dead.  
Then Joe took a deep breath and went over to Barry. He realized immediately that the kid was still breathing. He called into dispatch right away. “Dispatch! We have a double homicide with one surviving victim! We need an ambulance right away! We’ve got an eleven year old male with stab wounds! Repeat, we need an ambulance immediately!” His partner came out of the kitchen. “Grab some towels or something!,” Joe yelled. Barry was unconscious and bleeding heavily from the stab wound on his shoulder. His breathing was shallow and labored. Joe lifted his shirt and saw all the bruising to his chest and knew he probably had broken ribs. “Damnit kid!”, he said. He was feeling really guilty that he hadn’t pushed Barry harder about his home life.  
Joe pressed the towels his partner found against the stab wound to try and slow the bleeding. He had already lost too much blood. It was everywhere. Barry made a moaning noise of pain and his eyes blinked open just a little bit. “Barry, Barry, you’re ok. Don’t move. There’s an ambulance on the way.” A single tear slipped down Barry’s face. Joe wiped it away, “Just hang on kid,” he said softly. Barry tried to turn his head towards his parents. “Barry, look at me, look at me.” He gently held Barry’s head in place. He was covered in bruises and his hazel eyes looked panicked and dazed. They weren’t focusing right. “Barry, it’s ok. The ambulance is on the way. I can hear the sirens now. Focus on me.” Barry tried. He really did. But the pain was too much. Physically and emotionally. So his eyes rolled and everything went black.


	4. At the Hospital

Chapter 4

Barry woke up slowly in a haze. Everything was kind of blurry and out of focus, He couldn’t remember where he was. He tried thinking back. He wondered if he was locked in the basement again. No, that wasn’t right. It was too bright here and he was on a soft bed. He blinked a few times trying to clear his vision. He reached up to rub his eyes and felt a sharp pain from his ribs and gasped. His wrist hurt too. His vision cleared a little more and he realized he was laying in a hospital bed. He looked over towards the window and saw Joe slumped over in a chair sleeping.

Then it all came back to him. He remembered it all at once. He started thrashing and screaming and crying. Joe woke up and saw Barry freaking out. He had just ripped the IV out and blood was dripping from his arm. He was screaming and crying. Joe ran to the door and yelled for a nurse. Then he ran over to Barry. He climbed into the hospital bed and went to hold him. Joe was afraid he was going to hurt himself. He could see blood seeping from the bandage on his shoulder and neck. He held Barry in his arms and spoke softly to him. Barry was still hysterical. The nurse came in and gave him a shot of a sedative in his arm. It took about 3 or 4 minutes, but Barry stopped struggling and passed out. 

A little while later, the doctor stopped by. The doctors all knew about what Henry Allen had done by now and it was hard. They hadn’t known about his dark side. But the x-rays didn’t lie. So, they sat Joe down and went over everything they found. There were a lot of old injuries indicating past abuse. It looked like he’d broken ribs multiple times. He had an old fracture on his leg but Henry had told them it was a bike accident. They weren’t so sure now. He also had a lot of scars on his back like he’d been beat with a belt multiple times. They were all in different stages of healing. The worst looked as recent as the day before. Joe’s heart sank. Barry had been beaten with a belt the night before he was at Joe’s. No wonder the kid had seemed upset. Joe never even knew Barry was hurt. The doctor also said that Barry was underweight and a bit malnourished.

The injuries he had received the night his dad killed his mom and himself, were pretty extensive. He had a pretty severe concussion, a badly sprained and swollen wrist, five broken ribs, and a deep cut across his shoulder and lower neck. He had forty-five stitches. The doctor wasn’t sure of Barry’s mindset or if he had any permanent effects from the concussion. The doctor explained that Barry had already woken up twice and had to be sedated both times as well. He didn’t know if it was stemming from a brain injury or just emotional distress. They didn’t know if he had witnessed the actual double homicide or if he was unconscious already by that point. 

Joe had been awarded temporary custody of Barry by the judge until they could see if he had any relatives. He had told Iris the minimal amount that he could and she immediately had wanted to see him. Joe told her to wait until he was more stable. The next time Barry woke up, it was much different. He slowly sat up and looked around. Joe was awake this time and met Barry’s eyes. They were still a bit hazy and unfocused. Joe got up and walked over. “Barry, I’m so glad you’re awake.” Barry didn’t say anything. He looked down and fidgeted with the corner of the blanket. He thought Joe was there to find out what happened. Barry knew he was a detective. “Barry, do you remember what happened?”, he asked gently. Barry didn’t say anything. Barry opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but then stopped. He didn’t want to talk. He had nothing to say. “Ok, I’m going to assume that you know what happened. Henry and Nora both passed away.” Barry flinched, but otherwise gave no reaction. “We don’t know if you have any relatives so for now, you can stay with me and Iris.” Barry looked up at Joe for a second before looking back down at the blanket he had his fingers wrapped up in.

Joe had another chat with the doctor. He was worried because Barry wasn’t talking. The doctor referred him to a child therapist that he highly recommended Barry go to. He mentioned something about selective mutism and traumatic mutism and Joe decided he needed to read up on it and talk to Iris about it as well before he brought Barry home with him. He didn’t know if Barry was going to continue to not talk or for how long. He would never truly know what happened that night. 

Barry was released from the hospital two days later with strict instructions to stay home for a week. The doctor wanted to see him again if the concussion worsened but otherwise in two weeks to take the stitches out. Barry still wouldn’t say anything. He would look up if his name was called but that was it. Joe sat at the table with him long after dinner was over just trying to get him to eat. He would take a bite and then stop for a long time and then Joe would convince him to take another bite. He had eaten a half a bowl when he stopped and finally pushed it away. Joe was a little sad. He knew Barry had a bigger appetite than that. He was worried. Barry really didn’t have any weight left to lose.


	5. Settling In

Chapter 5

Slowly Barry settled in at Joe’s house. Joe had brought over Barry’s things while he was in the hospital. He didn’t want to bring Barry back to his parents house. Joe had been surprised by how few things he had. He had clothes, a lot of books, blankets, a few pillows, and a couple of toys. Some army men, a few cars, and a couple of stuffed animals. He had a least five blankets. When he was investigating the house, he went down to the basement. What he found down there made him sick. First of all there was a padlock on the door so it could be locked from the outside. He went down there and hit the light switch. Nothing happened. So, he turned on his flashlight. There were no lightbulbs in the light. There was a washer and a dryer, a furnace. As he kept walking, he noticed an old toddler size stained mattress in the corner. That was a bit odd because there was hardly anything down here. It’s not like it was used for storage or anything like that. He noticed a nasty smell coming from the other corner. There was a five gallon bucket that looked like it had been used as a toilet. Joe almost threw up. Then he looked closer at the mattress and found one army man toy sticking out from under a dirty blanket. He realized with certainty that Henry used to lock Barry up in the basement in the dark. There was also a belt on the ground near the mattress. Joe gagged but managed to not throw up. 

Barry continued to be very quiet and withdrawn. He had horrible nightmares almost every night. Joe would go into his room and hold him sometimes until he stopped crying. Some nights, he would wake up and did not want to be touched at all. He would back into a corner, trembling, and crying. Joe knew to leave him alone when he did that. He slowly started eating a little more. Still not enough but better than he had been doing. Joe had taken two weeks off work while Barry was out of school. Then he switched shifts so he was working while they were at school. He went to work at 5am and got off at 3pm. Iris was pretty good about making sure Barry ate breakfast before they got on the bus. After the first couple of days no one tried to talk to him really. He was glad for it. None of them seemed to know what to say to him anyway. After all, what do you say to kid whose dad killed his mom and then himself. Barry still wouldn’t say a word. Not even to Iris. She didn’t care of course, she just kept on talking to him like he was part of the conversation. She never treated him any different. 

Barry got teased at school a lot for not talking. Three months later, the bullying started getting worse. The bullies realized that Barry would never tell on them because he didn’t talk. He withdrew even more into himself and threw himself into schoolwork, especially science and math. He was getting straight A’s and was on the honor roll. Joe was awarded full custody of Barry as no relatives were found that were suitable to care for him. There was an elderly great grandfather but he was senile and lived in a home. There was an uncle, but he was in jail for drugs. 

Eventually, Iris found out about the bullying. Barry and Iris came home from school one day. Joe wasn’t home yet. He had stopped to get groceries on the way home. Barry went to the table and pulled his backpack out to start his homework. As he did, he winced a little. Iris froze. His wrist was swollen. She walked over to him and lifted his sleeve. There was a handprint shaped bruise on his arm and his wrist looked sprained. There were also scratch marks on his arm but she didn’t know what that was from. “Barry?,” she asked gently. He actually made eye contact with her briefly before looking down. “I wish you would tell me what’s been going on. Was it Tony?” Barry looked up at her for a second when she said Tony’s name and then  
looked back down again. She took that as confirmation. “We have to tell dad.” Barry looked up at her in alarm. “Well we do. It’s only going to get worse if we don’t.” Barry looked down. He knew it was true. Didn’t make it any easier though. 

Joe came home about a half an hour later. Iris met him at the door. “Dad, don’t freak out or anything but something is going on with Barry. Come here and I’ll show you.” Joe was a bit alarmed. They walked into the kitchen. Barry was sitting at the table and he looked nervous. He looked up at Joe and Iris for a second and then looked back down again. Iris walked over to him and carefully pulled his shirt sleeve up. Joe gasped. Barry flinched. “Who did this kid?’ Joe asked in a hard voice. “I asked him if it was Tony and he looked up at me. I’m pretty sure that’s who did it,” said Iris. Joe went into the living room and called the school. He made them review the video footage with him that night. 

Barry was just leaving the locker room. Tony came around the corridor grinning. He looked over and said something to Barry. Barry looked upset. Barry tried to walk away, but Tony roughly grabbed his arm and slammed him into the wall. Barry looked scared. He tried to step away from Tony quickly but wasn’t fast enough. Tony grabbed his wrist and twisted it. Barry cried out in pain. Then suddenly, Tony looked behind him and then slammed Barry into the wall again and ran off down the hall. Barry had tears running down his face. He went back into the locker room just as a teacher came down the hallway. 

Joe was livid. They wound up suspending Tony for a month. His parents were unhappy with that, so they transferred him to a different neighboring school. Joe went home that night and helped Barry wrap his wrist. He wanted to check Barry’s back too after he got slammed against the wall twice but Barry had flinched away from Joe when he reached for his shirt. Joe didn’t want to push him so he let it go. He did put some pain relieving ointment on the bruising on his arm. He saw the scratches and looked at Barry with questions in his eyes. He wasn’t sure what they were from. He slowly reached for Barry’s other sleeve and pulled it up. There were scratches on that arm too. He decided he was going to keep an even closer eye on Barry than he did before. They looked like he’d scratched himself with his nails.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

What Joe didn’t know, was that Barry was getting frequent panic attacks. The last one he’d gotten was so bad that he had scratched his arms without even realizing he had done it. He just clawed at himself. He was still seeing the therapist twice a week but not really making much progress because he wouldn’t talk to her. Joe had started coming to one session a week with Barry. Joe would tell her how he was doing, how his schoolwork was, if he had made any progress with communicating and about his recurring nightmares. Whenever Joe brought them up, Barry would tense up and look upset. Like he would rather be anywhere but here in this room listening to them talking about what to him was a very personal and traumatic thing. It was like reliving that night every time he dreamed. 

What Barry didn’t really understand was where the panic attacks had come from. He never had them before that night. He didn’t even know what was happening the first time he had one. He thought he was going to die and for one moment that almost made him happy because then maybe he could see his mom again. But then, he looked it up on the computer that Joe had hooked up in his room and realized what they were. He didn’t want Joe and Iris to know. He didn’t want to burden them anymore than he already was by living there and he was afraid that if he caused anymore problems for them, they might put him in a foster home. He didn’t want to leave.

A few times, alone in his room, he thought about talking but so far, every time he seriously thought about it, he would start to hyperventilate and he just knew if he kept trying it would turn into a full blown panic attack and he did not want that. He was trying so hard to keep it together around Joe and Iris. He knew eventually he wouldn’t be able to hide it, but he hoped he would anyway. He was starting to be able to tell when he was starting to get one and he would just go off by himself to his room or the bathroom. He would start feeling shaky. His hands would start trembling and his heart would beat a little faster. That’s when he would leave before he started hyperventilating and sweating. 

He wrote papers at school all the time, so he started thinking maybe he could do that with Iris and see how she responded to it. If she thought it was stupid and laughed at him, then he would just not even bother trying to communicate. He was feeling very lonely. Even though Iris went out of her way to talk to him, he still felt lonely because he wasn’t talking or communicating any of his thoughts to her or anyone. 

One day, Barry and Iris came home from school and he handed her a piece of paper. “What’s this?,” she asked him as she opened the folded note. She started to read it and then started crying and went to hug him. The note said: 

Iris,  
I’m so sorry I haven’t been talking to you. You are my friend and deserve so much better than me for a friend. If you think this is stupid and you want me to go back to not communicating I will. Just tell me. I don’t want to be a bother.  
Barry

“Barry, you will never be a bother. You’re my best friend. Please keep writing. I miss hearing the sound of your voice, but this is okay for now. Can I tell Joe?” she asked him. He got a slightly panicked expression and shook his head no. That was the first time he had used a head shake or nod since that night. Iris was really happy that he seemed to be doing a little better. She hoped that he would be able to do that with Joe as well. 

She knew her dad was extremely worried about Barry. He never smiled anymore. He spent lots of time alone in his room, and he didn’t eat very much either. The lack of communication and the fact that Barry wouldn’t talk worried him the most. He had taken Barry to several different doctors to make sure nothing was physically wrong with his vocal cords or throat and they all said it was most likely a psychological issue which was partly why he was in therapy.

At dinner that night, as usual Joe included Barry in the conversation even though he never replied. Joe never wanted to ignore Barry or make him feel unwelcome. He had been with them for about four months now and still acted unsure of his place with Joe and Iris. At one point, Joe was grabbing a bowl of green beans and asked Barry if he wanted any. When Barry nodded his head up and down, Joe had tears in his eyes. He didn’t make a big deal out of it so not to make him uncomfortable, but he had a huge smile on his face as he put a spoonful of beans on Barry’s plate. He was extra attentive that night and asked Barry several questions throughout the night making sure that he gave Barry his full attention. Barry would nod or shake his head at different questions. He didn’t ignore Joe at all. He seemed to be having a very good day. Most days, he felt like he was floating in a cloud. Everyone seemed so far away. He liked being numb like that because then he didn’t have to remember that night. It seemed far away too. He almost felt too clear. He was afraid for how he was going to continue to just float through life, if he actually had to interact with everyone. He felt safe with Joe and Iris. God knows it had taken forever for him to feel that way and he honestly couldn’t pinpoint exactly when that became the case, but he felt safe with them. The thought of talking still made him panic but at least he wouldn’t be all alone in his head. He didn’t feel safe in his own head.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 

That night when Barry went to bed, he was actually feeling a little optimistic. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt that way. Maybe this communication thing was the key. He felt lighter than he had in awhile. So, it was quite a surprise that he had woken up in the middle of the night gasping for breath. He was very glad he hadn’t been screaming again. The only reason he knew he hadn’t been screaming was for the fact that Joe wasn’t in his room. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. Of course he would wake up with a panic attack. Wonderful. He tried to get his breathing under control. All he could see in his mind was his father stabbing his mother and him not able to do a thing to help her. Tears started to stream down his face. He felt like he was back at that night. He unknowingly started clawing up his arms. When he finally started to calm down a little he realized he was sitting with his back against the wall by his bed. He had no idea when he had gotten there or how. Barry was all sweaty and shaking. He felt exhausted. He laid back down on the bed and stared at the ceiling for at least a couple of hours.

About two hours after he fell asleep, his alarm went off at 6:30. Time to get ready for school. Barry slowly sat up and climbed out of bed. As soon as he stood up, a wave of dizziness washed over him and he swayed. Quickly he sat down. His head was pounding and he felt like he didn’t sleep at all. Everything was weighing heavily on him. His brain wouldn’t shut up. He kept thinking about how he was a burden and just intruding on Joe and Iris. Finally he tried to get up again. He was still a little dizzy but not as bad as before. He went into the bathroom to shower and get ready. He hated looking in the mirror at himself but he wanted to make sure he didn’t look as bad as he felt. He hardly recognized himself. He was very pale and had dark circles under his eyes. His cheeks had hollowed out somewhat and he looked too thin. He hated the huge scar on his neck and shoulder. Everytime he looked at it he was disgusted by it. That was when he noticed that his arms were stinging. He looked down at them and saw the claw marks. ‘Not again’ he thought to himself. He decided to wear a long sleeve shirt to school even though it was almost May and starting to get a lot warmer out. He hoped no one would notice. 

Ever since Tony was transferred to a different school, Barry wasn’t really being bullied anymore. Now, everyone just ignored him or stayed far away. They all knew the stories and everyone talked about it quite a lot, sometimes right in front of him. They acted like he wasn’t there because he didn’t talk. Some of the kids were scared of Barry thinking maybe he was like his father. Barry usually didn’t pay much attention to the rumors or gossip about him but sometimes, especially on bad days, it really upset him.

And today was a Bad Day. He had a lot of bad days, but this one felt like one of the worst bad days he had in awhile. He hardly slept, and by the time he got out of the bathroom, he was running late. He didn’t even have time to eat breakfast. Iris noticed right away that something was wrong. He looked like he was sick. “Barry? Are you sure you should be going to school? You don’t look very good.” Barry looked at her and then grabbed a piece of notepad off the fridge. 

Iris, I’m ok. I want to go to school. If I start to feel worse I’ll go home.

Iris nodded. “Okay Barry. If you’re sure.” She sounded unsure. She wondered if she should call Joe, but decided against it. It’s not like it was an emergency, and she knew not to bother him at work unless it was truly important. Barry drank a small glass or orange juice as quickly as he could. They both ran to the bus stop with just enough time. The bus had just pulled up. Barry felt dizzy again as they walked to the back of the bus to find a seat. Barry hated sitting in the front. He hated the feeling of a bunch of people behind him. He didn’t know what they were doing. He was afraid to let his guard down. For all he knew, someone was just waiting to pull out a knife. He wondered what was going on with himself. Iris found them a seat two rows from the back. She looked at him with concern and put her hand on his wrist to check his pulse. It felt too fast to her. He was breathing a little hard, but she figured maybe it was running to the bus stop that did that. He was very pale though and his hands were trembling just a little. Hardly noticeable to anyone else. He also had a couple of beads of sweat on his forehead. She wondered why he was wearing a long sleeve shirt. It wasn’t even very cold out and it was just going to get warmer as the day progressed. She wondered if he had gym class today. She asked him but he didn’t move his head at all. She didn’t think he would in public but she wanted to try just to see how far his progress was going. She wondered if he was ever going to be comfortable talking again. It made her sad and she was lost in her own thoughts for the rest of the bus ride.

Meanwhile, Barry was getting more and more upset. He didn’t know why he was acting this way. When Iris had asked him that question, he was almost angry for a minute. Because, why would she push like that? Wasn’t it enough that he was trying to communicate with her and Joe? Why would she ask him something with all these people around? The anger left as quickly as it came, and then he was just weary and feeling like floating some more. He felt somewhat disconnected from himself. He knew somewhere he should be trying to stay here in the now, but he couldn’t bring himself to really care. Maybe he would feel bad later, but for now, he wanted to stay there. 

Iris noticed his distant look and decided not to try and question him any further. She hoped she hadn’t set him back by doing that. She should have known that this was not the time. She was very frustrated with the entire situation. 

When they got to school, they went their separate ways as they were not in the same classes for the first several hours. They only had an english class together at the end of the day. Iris was a little worried about Barry but she figured he would be alright. It’s not like he acted any different around people than he had before. The only difference is that she knew he could communicate with her and a little bit with Joe. But even Joe didn’t know that Barry had written to her. She would keep it a secret for now but she really hoped that he would start to open up a little, at least with her. She wished he would write to Joe, but she understood why he didn’t want to. She figured he was afraid that if he wrote to Joe, then he would want Barry to write to other people as well, like his therapist. It might do him good but not if he wasn’t ready.

Meanwhile Barry was floating on autopilot in class. The teachers had long since stopped calling on him in class because he wouldn’t speak. He even had a teacher who let him do extra work instead of the oral presentation he was supposed to do. They worked quite well with Barry on that. Joe had gotten involved right away with the teachers to help Barry as much as possible with that aspect of school. They were treating it as a disability. The teachers were always impressed by how well he did in school. He was very smart. Today however, he wasn’t very focused. He went to the restroom between his first two classes. He knew he needed to focus or else he wouldn’t even have any decent notes to look at later. He was almost in a state of panicking because he felt lost in his head. He wanted to get out of it. He didn’t even really realize he was having a panic attack. He scratched at his arms again, not enough to draw blood but it was enough that he slowly started to come back to himself. He realized he was gasping for air and shaking. There were tears running down his face and he was sweaty. When he could finally breathe a little better, he went to the sink and washed his face with cold water so no one would know he had been crying. He was very glad no one else was in the bathroom. He left the bathroom and went to his next class. When he walked into his math class, he realized everyone was sitting down already and he was ten minutes late for class. He felt a spike of anxiety as everyone looked up at him. But he was quickly ignored. Even the teacher didn’t say anything. She just marked him as tardy and went about her lesson. He breathed a sigh of relief. He knew Joe would want to know why he was late but Joe wouldn’t find out. He was zoning out again. He pinched the skin at his wrist and tried to focus back on his work.

At lunch, he was feeling sick and decided to skip. He felt like he was on the verge of yet another panic attack. He didn’t know how much more of this he could take. He even considered writing to Joe or the therapist about maybe getting on some medicine to help him. But as soon as he thought that he dismissed the idea very quickly. He just needed some way to deal with it on his own. Some way to ground himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the sake of my timeline, I'm going to put Barry's parents deaths right after Christmas instead of the canonical March 18th. I'm also going to put Barry's birthday as May 14th instead of March 14th. Thank you for the comments and kudos!


End file.
